linddzz:

I lost the ask but someone requested Hermann and Newt having an argument over the benefits of planned vs unplanned sex.

“Dude, I’m just saying okay?” Newt shakes a chunk of blue muscle for emphasis, sending neon splatters over his protective apron. The one he was forced to wear by the recipient of his emphatic gesturing. “I’m just saying, surprise is the spice of life.”

“I am quite sure that phrase is about variety.” Hermann grumbles from his ladder, refusing to look away from his equations. It’s not that he’s actually putting much effort into the work, but if he does not look towards Newton’s side of the lab, then he isn’t fully engaging in the nonsense. It’s a matter of principal.

“I know what I said.” Newt chucks the flesh to the ground, away from the nerve strand he’s carefully dissecting out. Sure, he has a bin right by the dissection table for waste, but he wants to be sure that Hermann hears the wet slap of kaiju bits hitting the floor next to the bin. “Honestly, you need all the spice you can get, varietal and otherwise. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could subsist on a diet of plain oatmeal and graham crackers if left entirely to your own devices.”

“I do not need spice Newton. And I would appreciate if you did not throw around biohazardous materials in a space I have to share with you.” Though it is admitting a small defeat, Hermann twists his shoulders to glare at Newton from the top of his ladder. “And I will not hear any word about my dietary habits from a man who I have witnessed crushing a bag of doritos chips into instant noodles and calling it basically mac and cheese!”

“Hey!” Newt shouts, pointing up at Hermann and sending more droplets of blue flying with the movement. “Fuck you okay! That’s called culinary creativity with rations and me being a goddamn genius!”

To prove that he is still very much above this ridiculous conversation, Hermann turns his attention back to his boards, the tap-scrape of chalk serving to further show  just how detached he is. “I am amazed you were able to eat it without gagging.”

“Jokes on you,!” Newt crows,“I killed my gag reflex years ago!”

“Oh yes, I am aware.”

“Yeah?! Well I hope you got those sweet memories stored away to be cherished because I’m not doing this!!” Newts shout hits a dangerous octave and, unfortunately, stays there. He snatches up a paper sitting by his table, forever turning it into a blue-smeared toxic hazard. “This!? This is a goddamn spreadsheet! You made a fucking spreadsheet schedule for us banging?!”

Hermann whips back around, clinging to the ladder to prevent falling. “We are both busy and spare time is difficult these days! That is the most efficient-“

“I’m not having scheduled sex Hermann! This ass don’t run on a time clock! How is someone so good in bed also so good at ruining sex?!”

There are a few moments of silence while Hermann processes this combination of insult and compliment, a couple high points of pink blooming on his cheeks in the interim. He decides the current argument is the more productive course to stay on.

“No part of you runs on time clocks in my experience!” Hermann snaps. “Having a set plan means no longer trying to find a few spare moments together Newton, this makes the most sense!”

“It’s a goddamn spreadsheet! You may have more boning time laid out here but you did it in the most guaranteed way to kill my boner!”

“It isn’t-”

“You know what this means?!” Newt shrieks, brandishing the spreadsheet. “This means you can wave good-fuckin-bye to my surprise blowjobs!”

The threat fills the now silent lab, the only sound is Hermann’s chalk tapping nervously on the board.

“I’m sure that isn’t-”

“No!” Newt’s on a roll now, and he wildly waves the blue smeared paper. “It isn’t on the damn schedule, I dont do it! That means no more surprise blowjobs, no more of me treating every morning like I’m trying out for the Houston rodeo! Does this count makeouts!? I feel like this should count makeouts. No makeouts unless strictly scheduled. Maybe we should time out how long foreplay takes while we’re at it! What if we spent all the alloted time on foreplay and had to stop mid-dicking because we ran out of time huh?!”

“You are being petty.” Hermann says stiffly, attention fully back on Newt.

“I’m just following your schedule babe! No more surprises! Everything is completely efficient!”

There is another silence as Hermann’s pride battles his…appreciation for Newtons skills.

“Perhaps…” he says slowly, “we can reach a compromise later this evening.”

“Nothing on the schedule for this evening.” Newt points out, but the enraged shrieking is gone and he sets the damn schedule down.

“Yes. We will have to review that of course.” Hermann sniffs, going back to the equation that hasnt had anything done to it for fifteen minutes now.

Turning away means he does not have to look at Newtons wild, triumphant grin.

“Sounds like a plan sugar!”